They say absence makes the heart grow fonder;
but in your absence my mind only grows somber.

Is it better to be remembered for all the horrid things we’ve done, or not to be remembered at all? People will always see how far down you sank, but seldom acknowledge your ascend back up. I’ve spent so much time attempting to rebuild the good in myself; but I’m starting to realize it doesn’t matter if I do or don’t. The past is a boulder in a river, and the present is the water rushing over. It is immovable, that boulder. It’s there for good, only to be eroded away by time until the day you die. So let that go. Just be the person you are now, and let the water run.

It’s possible that you loved them even more than you thought. Their everyday mistakes aren’t around to remind you that perfection is nonexistent. You miss their little slip ups that won’t unconsciously disappoint you anymore. Those, along with their poorly timed jokes and indiscreet innuendos that make you feel uncomfortable in the presence of others.

                                             4:48:12 AM

“You should feel ashamed of yourself for being that fat.”

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I live in fragmented thoughts and fractured sentences. That in conjunction with a grumble of “could haves” and “maybes”. It’s crippled me, the walls inside my mind have become portraits of clichéd truths and solidified uncertainty.

I am both fearlessly willing to go wherever the wind blows me, yet deeply afraid to ever leave this place.

I’ve never been one to be smitten by such things that you could physically hold. I value kindred spirits, lengthy embraces, and impetuous laughter; they seemed to be worth something a bit more.

I’ve been living my life in a manner that I don’t care for. And I’ve known this for awhile. Week after of week of waking up feeling pretty shitty, not just from alcohol induced stupors, but from a compounding mental disconnect and personal dissatisfaction. What throws me off most though is my lack of action for changing it. It’s like driving your car when your check engine light is on. You know it’s stupid to keep going, but to stop and actually get your car checked seems too tedious, so you just keep driving. You keep accelerating down this path, blatantly knowing that you’re going to have to stop sometime, but you keep going. And the shitty part, when your car finally does break down, boy does it break down. 

As of today I’m taking an initiative to change my life style. My current lifestyle lacks discipline, focus, and drive. I’ve lost sight of what I really want to pursue instant gratification and fun. Leisure has overstayed it’s welcome in my life and it’s time for some revision.

1. No more drinking
2. No more excessive spending
3. No more laziness
4. No more overindulging
5. No more spitefulness
6. More working out
7. More family time
8. More school work
9. More self worth
10. More happiness

Sometimes I run out of things to say to you. I always feel bad because you always expect great things from my writings, but sometimes I just cannot put the things I want to say into words. 

You convince yourself that one day you’ll be able to pick yourself up. But in the back of your mind you know its not true. You know what the life ahead lies, but you can never come to terms with it and so you create lies everyday to make life seem a little less shitty. And you start hating yourself a little bit more each day for not being able to change. By the end of it all you’re not sure who to be angry with, life for being so god damn shitty or yourself for letting it be.