Last Call, Lost Cause

Cause you’ve been hurt before, I can see it in your eyes

You try to smile it away, some things you can’t disguise.

I looked you in the eyes and watched you walk out of my life…
I had my eyes, ears, and heart open when you said that you didn’t love me anymore. And then it hits me, we’re over. There’s no more phone calls, anniversaries, texts, nothings. I wonder if you could see the fear in my face, the instant I started to tear up and do you remember what you did? You pulled yourself away from me, and said “I wish it hurt this bad for me”. Nothing from here on out could ever hurt me as much as those words you muttered. I felt like a fool, betrayed from exposing my feelings for somebody and they made a mockery of it. You were the only person, and let it be known, the last person that will ever hurt me like this. 

The worst goodbyes are the ones that are never said…
The one where we both know it’s the end of the road, but we’re both too afraid to say it. We feel the pain, and we hold it in. It’s the goodbye where we hurt so much, and we hope that it would work out, but the heart knows it’s over.

I have this habit where I need to always be doing something. It’s really not the best. I feel like I miss out when my friends go out, or that I’ll be left behind. So I stay caught up, I’m always out, always doing something. I just can’t sleep knowing that I could be out making more memories, or wasting time with the people I care about. It’s a really bad habit, peer pressure becomes my best friend, and I can’t refuse. I go out to parties, to wal-mart, for walks, just to be out. Because if it’s not me, than it’ll be somebody else, and I’ll feel left out. And that’s the feeling I hate. So regardless of how tired I get, or how irritable I am, I’ll always be down to do anything. I live a fast paced life, I hate sitting around wasting time when there’s so much nonsense to do, places to explore, company to be with. I’m restless, and I don’t think I’d have it any other way.

that people look at and think “damn he’s lucky”
I want people to look at me and not think I’m ugly, or fat, or annoying, or rude. If I had a chance to be the person that people liked, the guy that people wanted to get to know. The person that isn’t a face that people just pass by. I wish that people looked at me with a hint of desire, not in any lustful form, but in a humane, genuine way. I’ve always been the wingman, the guy behind the scenes that nobody really takes acknowledgement of, and I’m dying to have my moment. I want to be chased, in the sense that people will actually go out of there way to get to know me because they want to. That’s what I want. I want to be wanted. I want people to think that I’d be a great addition to have as a friend. I wish that people would look at me and want to get to know more about me. Make me a friend, a boyfriend, instead of just another stranger. I want to be that guy.

A grudge isn’t a form of anger or spite. In my opinion, it’s mere immaturity at it’s finest. It’s ridiculous, childish and unnecessary. Carrying around so much angst towards somebody else takes a toll on your mind. It’s better to pity somebody for the things they’ve done to you than to exploit it to their face. That’s not to say that you need to befriend them and pretend that none of it ever happened, that’s sheer stupidity. Acknowledge that somebody has wronged you, and then let it go. Be kind and speak politely, but show them no signs of trust. Play no part in indicating that you care. That’s how one moves on.

I love the casual silence we have. To ability to not say a word, not mutter a sound at all and be completely okay with it. It’s not because it’s awkward or we’ve run out of things to say, but it’s simply due to the fact that we’ve been so close with each other we don’t need to have an ongoing transfer of words to maintain casualties. 
It’s a level of sincerity that takes a really strong friendship to have. This idea of saying so much without even whispering a single word. The best part though is that it’s not always like this. We talk constantly, yell at each other, scream, laugh, dance, make fun. But in the very rare moment that we don’t. We never cease to lose our relationship. I like that I don’t always need to say something to have your attention. 

Inspiration and creativity pour out of my head until I am left empty and alone, sitting in a puddle of my own potential.